whiskers

New Years Eve

2006-12-31T11:32:32Z

And I don't know what's going on tonight

I'm feeling really low, when I shouldn't be.
I have a boyfriend.
An amazing boyfriend.
But still my mind is wandering to someone a bit closer to home.

It's slowly making my brain malfunction,
And I'm beginning to get so stressed about it.
I'm not the same as I used to be,
I'm not the stable person I was.

Through things live has thrown at me, I've learnt how to cope being me.
But NOTHING has happened at the same emphasis this has.
If that makes any sense.

It's happened once before.
I got over it.
But this time, I'm not sure I will...

Help anyone?
xx

Awake But Not Believing It.

2006-12-09T09:26:06Z

It feels like I'm in a sodding dream;
A really bad one;
Like one of those Actual Horror Films where you don't know whether there's something behind the people.

I just want to wake up.
I want to wake up and be able to emphasise my feelings and emotions.
But how can I do that when most of what I think will cause bad reactions; hate, sadness, confusion; towards me.

There's only a couple of days to go until I'll have been going out with Gavin for a month..
Don't get me wrong; he's an amazing person to be with, and I couldn't wish for a better friend, but something at the back of my mind is telling me not to continue being with him.

It doesn't help that when people found out their first reaction was "err" or "are you crazy".
It doesn't help my confidence; it makes me feel that I've got it wrong again.
And I don't want to get it wrong again; last time I got pushed down quite badly, and I don't want that for a second time.

Only one person has reacted in a -fairly- positive way; Steph simply said "I like Gavin, He makes me laugh".

I Don't know if I can do this though, my parents aren't sure about him, because he doesn't talk to them. I can see it from his and their points of view, so I'm yet again stuck in the middle.

I can't be in a relationship if my family don't like my boyfriend..
Can I?

Overkill

2006-08-02T20:33:43Z

I've found the most amazing song to keep my worries at bay.
Overkill by Colin Hay.

I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know I'll be alright
Perhaps it's just imagination

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away

Alone between the sheets
Only brings exasperation
It's time to walk the streets
Smell the desperation

At least there's pretty lights
And though there's little variation
It nullifies the night from overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Come back another day

I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know I'll be alright
It's just overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away

I've been looking back through my old blogs..
Well, everything's changed...
I've REALLY cut down smoking, and I rarely drink or do weed now.
I'm saving a lot more money, which I'll need because it's hard to get now Mum's out of a job.

I'll definately have to write a CV, and I'll probably go to Shakeaways and get Amy to give it in...
She can give me a good reference =]...

But for now,
I'm going to sleep,
And put some more lotion on my face as I've had an allergic reaction to something.

Peace
xxx

RE: Previous Blog

2006-04-29T18:31:36Z

Sod the giving up smoking.
I'm happy being who I am.
Mostly.

Going out with Nick on Monday to London.
Messing around.
Laughing at the chavs etc.

Maria's been texting me today...
It's been well good. I haven't texted her for ages
And now it's free!!!
Amazing.

Randomness.

Peace and Love
Whiskers
xxxxxxx

That Horrible Habit Of Mine

2006-04-24T20:22:34Z

...Also known as smoking...
Is being given up.
Cause I can't afford it,
And I can't take lying constantly to my parents about it.
For god's sake it's been four years.
And they still don't know.

So I'm giving up.
Yay. Go Me.

Nick's acting akward..
Im getting so paranoid.

Maybe its the 8 joints I had today.
I'm gonna cut down on the weed.
Whoever reads this can slap me next time they see me smoking anything.

mhm. depression.

My boyfriend's parents hate me.

2006-04-23T19:11:28Z

The reason why my boyfriend's parents hate me.

On Fridays I don't have college but I work for two hours at my old Primary school helping my year 6 teacher.

She wasn't in and they had a supply teacher so OBVIOUSLY the kids were all acting up. And I was going along with it anyway!
After work and sorting out my stuffs for college, I went to Nick's house. It was about 5:00.

Me, him, aydan josh and two other guys I'd never met before went to an italian restaurant Nick and the guys put money together and bought me a rose (everybody say "AHHH") from some woman selling them.

We went to the park, had 4 joints, and then these two police people came upto us.
Me and Nick were out of it. Literally.

But nothing happened, so we went off to the pub to meet Pip and Brian and Ed.
Hours later we left the pub, went back to Pip/Nicks. Pip was shattered and went to sleep, me and nick stayed up watching DVDs.
Then we got into bed and i fell asleep.
It's not like we were doing anything. I was monged off my face and needed sleep!
Nick's stepdad came in, and yelled at nick and me, and his stepdad told me to go into Pip's room to sleep there.
So I did.
Duh.

Then their mum called us down and had a go at me and nick cause I was in his bed (ooh big bad)
and said "nick's been out of hospital for three weeks (dun dun duuuun) and you haven't been going out for long,

and you don't know whether it's going to be a long-term relationship"

THEN....she asked me what MY mum would think if she knew...and i said "she wouldn't really care"

(i would have said sorry etcetc but i was too monged and tired) and then "when nick stayed at yours were you in the same bed" and we said yes...

and she said " and did your mum know?" i said yes.
Talk about flipping interrogation the third degree!
and his mam asked for my house number to check with my mum!

I was just sitting thinking ahh man i need sleep. and munch...

I got home, told my mam and she was like wtf...
My mam knows i'm sensible. And through all the shit I've been through with blokes I aint gonna be doing anything drastic with nick for a while anyway.

But yeah. His mam called last night when my rents were out.
So I'm still on her bad side.
Luckily before I left Nicks yesterday morning, I said to his step-dad "sorry for causing any mis-understandings" etc.
So I might be in his good books.
Not sure but yeah

End of life story

I really don't know what to do.
I know I've said this so many times before that when I'm going out with a guy it's always different.
But with Nick it's like everythings good.
I know he aint gonna cheat on me, or use me
as exes have done in the past.
For gods sake..he's my best friend's twin.
And both of them are fucking amazing.
I'm just worrying about everything being akward now.
And I couldn't cope with it.
It'd just make me go straight into a nervous breakdown.
And I'm in the middle of one already.,..
Every spare minute going for a joint.
And it's not good.
I need help, but I don't want to take charity or anything.

=[

whiskers_13 @ 2006-04-23T12:41:00

2006-04-23T11:44:43Z

Yeah...I just got this email from my mate, but ignore the re-posting bit cause I just wanted to see who remembers the good ol' days...

TO ANYBODY UNDER THE AGE OF 13...
JUST CAUSE YOU WERE BORN IN '93' OR '94' DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE A 90s KID.
IT'S NOT LIKE YOU COULD REMEMBER SOME OF THE ORIGINAL SIMPSONS.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A BRITISH 90s KID IF...

♠You can sing the rap to the "Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air"

♠You've worn leggings and felt cool

♠You used to play with your Puppy/Kitty/Pony in my Pockets

♠You remember when it was actually worth getting up on a Saturday morning to watch Live & Kicking or SM:TV

♠You had a huge fringe at some point in your childhood

♠You remember reading and watching "Goosebumps"

♠You took plastic cartoon lunchboxes to school

♠You know the words from the Shakey Jane milkshake adverts

♠You remember the craze of yo-yos and tamagotchi's

♠You still get the urge to say "not" after every sentence

Not.

♠You knew that Kimberly (the pink ranger) and Tommy (the green ranger) were meant to be

♠You collected pokemon cards (even if you didn't use them!)

♠You played with and/or collected pogs

♠You had a wierd alien that lived in gooey stuff in a plastic "pod" and thought if you stuck two of them back to back they would have a baby/open their eyes on the millenium!

♠You watched the ORIGINAL Postman Pat, Fireman Sam and Ninja Turtles (before the government decided it was wrong and changed it to Hero Turtles because "oooh violence is bad"

♠Yikes pencils were the best (what happened to them?!)

♠You remember when the new beanie babies were always sold out

♠You got your mum to buy "BN" biscuits...(and oreos!)

♠You used to wear those stick-on earrings - not only on your ears but at the corners of your eyes

♠You know the macerena by heart

♠"Talk To The Hand"
-Nuff Said-

♠You remember the time before Literacy and Numeracy hour existed

♠You thought Brain from "Pinky and the Brain" would finally take over the world"

♠You remember collecting Furby's and teaching them to talk

♠You remember bum-bags

♠You always wanted to be on FunHouse

♠You collected Tazos

♠Two Words: Spice Girls!

♠You wore Disney Plastic rucksacks

Ahh Mate...The Good Ol' Days

=]

whiskers_13 @ 2006-04-19T20:00:00

2006-04-19T19:06:27Z

I was just looking through pictures taken on my last night of being in year 11..
Ahh the good times.
With my stupid brown frizzy shitty hair that always looked..well..shit..

The pics are large, and I can't be bothered to re-size them.
So here's note-taking for you!

Me, Roxy and Maria.
Shame the memories don't last for long...
Me, Agg and Agg. What wierd names. Kothathe =]
No-one could understand my name!

Me and Law...Could've worked..But I'm glad it didn't.
I'm better off without him.
And Nick rocks my socks.
Amazing.

Me and Calven. Ahh. That useless boy still lives round the corner.
The good (and bad) memories. Will always last. Always there for me.

Me and Miss D. Bestest form tutor in the whole wild world.
The memories in France when we went kayaking around the Ardeche...
Me winning an award...
"The Eternal Voice Award - for speaking constantly..
and at volume...
about Nothing In Particular.

Those were the days

I needed cheering up.
=]

Peace n' free love for all
xxxxx

Hmm...

2006-04-19T01:11:48Z

Thought I hadn't logged in for a while...
And it's been less than a month, and things have changed so much since the last time I wrote.
I Don't actually know why I bother doing this cause no-one's gonna find me, so basicly the whole point of LJ is so I can show my feelings without being attacked or stereotyped like on everything else.
So...Two weeks ago we broke up from college, and I decided to ponder over my actions from the past while I was on my Quaker camp...which by the way went AMAZING.
It was spiritually the best thing I've ever done :) Looking at the theme "Who Am I?" helped so much...
On the Tuesday - last week...I decided I was going to take my chances and ask Nick out..
My chance was given :) And so when I got back I went straight to his and Nick, Pip, Aydan and I stayed up the night, camping in Nick+Pip's back garden.
The next day he came and stayed over mine, watching stupid DVDs and drinking and smoking on my roof.
It's amazing that he's the best thing that's happened to me for a long time.
Unlike everyone else. Who just screws me around.
But all of that is in the past and I can focus on the future now.
Went back to college yesterday....
Sue's cool. She's let me drop sociology, so on tuesday's I have a four hour lunch break. w00tw00t. And wednesday's I go in late.
So its all gravy baby.
Which is why I'm up at the stupid time of 2:30.
Because I woke up and decided..hmm..lets update LJ.
Smooth move Kati. It'll take a lot to get up [later] in the morning.
Downloaded the "10 Things I Hate About You" soundtrack.
And am in <3 with Letters to Cleo atm.
But I've gotta love something, or there's nothing to live for.

Oh...Not to mention, My X-Factor application arrived, and they gave me a time and date I can't do.
It's the date of my Philosophy Exam...
And it's the 06/06/06
What utter basturds.

Peace and Love,
Whiskers
xxx

What's wrong with me?

2006-04-19T00:56:32Z

So.. Today started well.
Understatement. I had a really good sleep last night, and then everything went awol as my stupid alarm on my phone didn't go off.
Or maybe it did, I was just asleep. But I got into college late, fell asleep in Sociology, and then got told I've got two essays due from Philosophy and Sociology due tomorrow, and then my Media coursework due too. English was meant to be handed in today, but I haven't done it, and managed to get an extention until 11:00 tomorrow.
So basicly thats work from all my subjects, and the only one thats started (remotely finished) is my Media. I just get sidetracked. Like now, I'm meant to be doing my English - but instead I'm writing all of this. Which probably no-one will read.
So what's the point.

I needed so much alone time today, I went and sat on the top of the College carpark. Right on the roof. The view made me think how great the world can be, but we're polluting it and turning it into a horrible place to be. People aren't brought up to be nice anymore. Well...maybe they are, but it just doesn't show.
Everything's just completely turning upside-down, and I'm not even motivated to do anything.

Maybe its all the weed. Or the alcohol. But seriously, I need to sort myself out or I'll be in the same mess as I was in October when I decided to skip college for weeks and just go and get stoned.

Something my Mam said the other day really kicked in, and it hurt a lot too. She said that the only things I ever care about are my friends and the Harp. Which is true that I love all, but I do care about other stuff too, but things are just getting too much, too quickly.

The thing is that I love each and every one of my friends, and I want to be there for all of them if they need me. But it seems like it doesn't apply the other way round. However people tried cheering me up, it didn't work. Maybe its because I run away cause i can't take the way he makes me feel.
Song lyrics of Amy Studt changed. It should be "You run away cause you can't take the way they make you feel".
But the former applies for me..

Loz has moved to Australia, I'm really gonna miss her. She's amazing, and I wish I was more like her and less like me. She's so upfront about everything and isn't afraid to show her true self.
To be honest I really wish I wasn't me. I wish I didn't have my personality, or my body, or my language. I wish I was different, Apart from the fact that I don't follow the crowd. I like that part.

Now it's sounding that I'm self-obsessed. I think I am really. I just hate me. I hate my figure, the way I look, the way I talk, the way I act. I can't take compliments. I hate it when people compliment me (which is hardly ever thank God) because I never know how to act, or what to say. It's like I've put up a mental barrier to stop other people's opinions about me getting through, and only my own opinions count. I just loathe myself. And thats not what life is meant for. Its supposed to be self-fulfilling and making the most of every opportunity.

This really hasn't helped. So I just don't think I'll bother. Alone time, thinking time, time to sort out myself before everything gets too out of hand. Not that I really care. I just don't want to self harm..which is the main thing in my mind at the moment. Don't judge me, because I'm not "Emo", I deal with things in my own way, and stereotyping just shows that your vocabulary is like a seven-year old's.